McStalinism
Strange goings-on at Stonington Indoctrination and Intimidation Centre [sorry, ‘High School’] in Connecticut, US. A couple of months ago our old chums McDollars, being short of staff for the summer season, arranged with the head of Stonington High to run a recruitment rally, thinly disguised as an assembly on interview skills, during school time. Pupils were obliged to attend, and were greeted by uniformed McDastardly employees handing out refreshments and offering free meal coupons for job applicants.

The assembly continued with mock interviews on stage. Volunteers included Tristan Kading (15), vegetarian, Nike protest veteran and general enemy of the corporate state. Upset at being required to attend a presentation from a company he views as responsible for destroying South American rain forests in the name of hamburgers, Tristan took the mike and explained how he hates large corporations like McDungheap. Amid applause, Tristan was removed from the hall, dragged to the principal’s office and apparently threatened with expulsion. Instead, he agreed to read a Stalinist-style self-denunciation over the school PA, in which he was forced to describe himself as ‘a bad student’ who ‘no teacher would want in their classroom’.

The US news coverage focussed solely on whether Tristan’s right to free speech was infringed, and completely failed to ask what large corporations are doing recruiting minors for slave jobs during school hours, or why the principal so vehemently defended the McMonster against an obviously bright and promisingly independent student…

Treemendous?
‘Luton is to become the first airport in Britain to encourage passengers to pay for the environmental cost of their flights. Money raised from voluntary donations will be used to buy trees to absorb carbon dioxide produced by aircraft. Future Forests, the company which will carry out the tree planting for the airport, believes all air passengers should be aware of the pollution implications of aviation fuel. Friends of the Earth say they would rather see airline passengers give up their flights and take the train instead.’

Makes sense, though. If we don’t plant forests - what are we going to cut down to build motorways?

Buy now while stocks last...
This, found in the Financial Times, must be the opposite of a small ad:

‘MONTENEGRO PRIVATISATION - in addition to the tourist sector the Govern-ment’s Agency for Economic Restructuring and Foreign Investments is offering majority shareholdings in numerous comp-anies across the board including textiles, contruction, wine making, salt production, food, machinery, metals and telecommuni-cations.’ To paraphrase a recently deceased American razor boss - ‘I liked the country so much - I bought it!’

Wheely Stupid
"An Australian man has registered a patent for a ‘circular transportation facilitation device’ - more commonly known as the wheel. Melbourne patent lawyer John Keogh said he registered the patent to show flaws in an intellectual property law...[which]...only requires claimants to show ‘innovation’, not ‘invention’. "The government decided to find a way to issue a patent more easily," Mr Keogh said. "The patent office would be required to issue a patent for anything. All they’re doing is putting a rubber stamp on it." But Patent Commissioner Vivienne Thom said "Obtaining a patent for the wheel would require a false claim, which would certainly invalidate the patent." BBC Online.

One thing is patently obvious - we really need to sack all the lawyers.

Cattery Farming
‘Allergy-proof cats could be the next genetically modified “breakthrough”.’ according to BBC Online. ‘A biotechnology company intends to alter the genetic makeup of moggies to create the perfect pet for allergic cat lovers. Transgenic Pets claims sufferers will soon be able to own a cat without fear of a runny nose or streaming eyes. “We’re simply removing a non-essential protein from the cats and it shouldn’t hurt the cats in any way,” said Jackie Avner of Transgenic Pets. The company is still looking for funding to carry out the work.’

Look no further. Corporate Watch advises Frankenpets to ask Tony Blair -tell him you work for Huntingdon Life Sciences and the cash will soon roll in.

DubyaWatch - from the Corporate Watch email...
‘...when the President was here [in Philadelphia] on July 4, I had the opportunity to shake his hand. I wasn’t sure if that was a good idea or not but I did it anyway, and said to him, “Mr President, I hope you only serve four years. I’m very disappointed in your work so far.”

He kept smiling and shaking my hand but answered, “Who cares what you think?”’

Only here for the beer
It’s always an education to read the Financial Times and see what to the rest of us is depressing written up as the best news ever. This is from an article about a brewery in Montenegro:

‘The privatisation of Niksic brewery by Belgium’s Interbrew is the most instructive investor privatisation to date. Interbrew was able to shed many of its least productive workers by offering 3 years pay for early retirement. Employment is now down from 580 to 350. Old habits die hard though and trade unions recently called workers out on strike. Frequent disputes like this are what President Djukanovic describes as “a self-destructive Balkans attitude”.’

Yes indeed, how passé. Imagine workers actually sticking up for themselves - Maggie put a stop to that sort of ‘self-destructive’ nonsense here in Britain years ago...